A Lot of Pain [total: day 102/ chemo-cycle 3: day 0]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 17 May, 2001 - 17:00

"As Andrea is working early today it's my father's turn to drive me to the hospital. We arrive at the private outpatients' department and learn that the lady at the inhouse registration is ill today. So we have to leave the building again to go to the central registration office at the main entrance. There I learn that the computer system has crashed and I will neither be able to get all the printed paperwork for the ward nor to load my phone card.
Nevertheless we return to the department of urology.

A Reply [total: day 100]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 15 May, 2001 - 17:00

"I hardly slept last night. Still I must have dreamt because I remember moments of nightmare. Although I can't remember what it was in detail.

We have breakfast in our wonderful hotel and leave as soon as we have finished to head north.
It takes less time than we estimated, mainly because of almost no traffic jam or tailbacks. When we arrive in Düsseldorf we drive home first as there is plenty of time left.

A Second Opinion - Stage III [total: day 99]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 14 May, 2001 - 17:00

"Andrea and I had a great weekend. We relaxed by visiting some historical sites like castles along the river Neckar, monasteries or well preserved late-medieval villages. We made picknicks in beautiful landscape,- the area east of Heidelberg is truly worth visiting - and met a good old friend of mine on Sunday.

We leave the hotel in Neunkirchen on time this Monday morning and Andrea drives us to Heidelberg. The nearer we come to the city center the more nervous and worried I become.
How foolish, it's just another opinion we are after.

Heidelberg [total: day 96]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 11 May, 2001 - 17:00

"I am a little bit nervous about the journey today. I did not sleep very well last night and feel absolutely exhausted this morning. Will I stand the long drive in the car?

Part of my beard has continued to grow - or better: to reappear for the last few days. Thus, I decide to use the trimmer for the first time in about eighty days. It takes 10 seconds as it is just a very small area on the chin that is longer than 1 mm, but it's a start. Still no signs of pubic hair whereas the hair on my head keeps on growing: very sparse, but at least 5 mm in length.

Finding Out [total: day 95]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 10 May, 2001 - 17:00

"I get up early as it is collecting the copies of the medical reports today. I begin by driving to S. to get my blood tested. From her office to the hospital's building with the central archive it's a fifteen minutes drive by car. The lady at the archive remembers my name. The pictures of my lungs of 1996 have already been fetched. It's just hello and goodbye, a quick visit.

A short distance walk from the archive to the department of urology. Here everything is well prepared, too. I get the copies I asked for yesterday.

Fear and Sorrow [total: day 94]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 9 May, 2001 - 17:00

"It has not been easy since the meeting on Monday. All of my thoughts keep coming back to the RPLND surgery and its risks and side effects. I am scared to death; for the first time since it all began in February.

It's like a box fight between my thinking and my feeling. Yes, I know there could not have been a better outcome on Monday. I should feel relieved and happy. But it's the opposite. I am unable to listen to others. I can hardly reply to them as I don't pay much attention to their words. Nobody's. I am isolating myself. I am shutting down.

Getting Prepared [total: day 93]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 8 May, 2001 - 17:00

"I call my family doctor to tell her about the result of yesterday's meeting. She asks whether they had brought the old x-rays of 1996. I deny and she strongly recommends that I should get them myself. Although we had one x-ray of the period before the cancer appeared and this was always sufficient to me, I start getting unsure. Maybe another x-ray makes the last doubts go away.

Another Verdict [total: day 92]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 7 May, 2001 - 17:00

"It has been quite some time since I have last update the dairy pages. We have booked the hotels in Heidelberg in the meantime. -
Today is the big day: the first consilium to discuss the CT scans and the x-ray pictures. Although it's just a ten minutes drive I am pushing Andrea that we leave early. If waiting for results after the second CT scan was similar to seeing Fate rolling dice, this today feels at least like hearing a jury's verdict in a death trial. The appointment is between Andrea and me plus A. and B. plus the radiologist M. It's scheduled for 19:15 at M.'s office.

Feeling Better [total: day 64/ chemo-cycle 2: day 20]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 9 April, 2001 - 17:00

"It's getting better every day. The pain in the back went away during the weekend. My mouth condition has improved and allows me to eat again. And due to the Neupogen my blood numbers have increased dramatically.

Thus it's time to go home today.

Home, how wonderful! I am looking forward to Andrea picking me up."

Losing Hair [total: day 62/ chemo-cycle 2: day 18]

Submitted by Marcus Döring on 7 April, 2001 - 17:00

"Although I have hardly left any hair on my head, the loss of the very sparse and short ones has become even worse. The white sheet on my bed is slowly becoming speckled. 

The pain in the back is still there. During the day I will ask for pain-killers five times. Moving is very difficult without them.

My blood numbers are still very low. It's just wait and see today."